Jump to content
Hali

Reasons for being alive

Recommended Posts

I feel like a failure. I work a dead end job and am barely of a sound enough mind to accomplish everyday tasks. If I lost my stupid desk job, I would be out on the street. What the fuck is the point? Do any of you know? What is your reason for sticking around?

Share this post


Link to post

my mom would be devastated if i died. hoping to find some other deterrent by the time she dies

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)

I really enjoy writing. For several years, I was driven by a desire to become the best feature story writer/journalist *in the world*. It sounds so stupid now that I write it out! My goals have since changed. I still enjoy writing, but the journalism thing isn't as important to me any more. I am now trying to write fiction. I am not very good at it, but I believe that I can be if I keep working at it. Maybe it is delusional to think this way. But it sure has helped me stay alive!

There are things that make it easier for me to want to remain alive, too. I love Skip, and he loves me back the same amount. I love @starsailor. My parents would be devastated. I like dogs. I want to be around and be good to those people. 

Edited by Tracey

Share this post


Link to post
25 minutes ago, Hali said:

Is it too late for me?

nah

hey if you lose your stupid desk job you don't have to be out on the street you can live with me wherever i am. get real

i'm a professional failure too but i don't think that stuff is important beyond just paying the rent :peppy:

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)
34 minutes ago, Hali said:

Is it too late for me?

Of course not! No one is keeping track of this sort of thing. The only deadline (as far as I'm aware) is natural death. As long as you're alive, there are opportunities for good things to happen. 

You can also come live with me if shit ever hits the fan. 

Edited by Tracey

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)

i've asked myself this question every day since i was probably twelve years old. over the years my answers have changed, so here's where i'm at today. who knows where the hell i'll be tomorrow!!! 

1) i am my mother's only child and she would be destroyed if i died. 

2) i have a dog who depends on me and who (i like to think) loves me. he makes me able to get out of the house at least 3-4 times a day and we go on runs and walks together. it brings me a lot of joy to see him play with his friends at the dog park. and he always sleeps by my shoulders in my bed every night. so that's real nice.

3) i have too much unfinished writing/stories/essays on my dang laptop!!! i always work on that stuff when i can. it doesn't necessarily make me happy, but i do feel a sense of accomplishment when i put some effort into it~ making stuff makes me happy 

4) @starsailor

5) i have a lot of books i want to read and movies i have to watch 

Edited by soaplitz

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)

There are people I love and I want to be around to see the things they make and come up with in their lives.  I believe in the friendship of animals.  Drawing helps.  Writing helps.  Piano helps.  My mom endured a hellish childhood and somehow got through and became a social worker which happened to be her calling.  Under her care plants become gigantic and lush.  She got a small goldfish that is now monstrously large.  I don't want to be another bad thing that happened to her.  I don't want to have children.  I want to see things clearly and be an independent person. 

It's not too late and you're not a failure, regardless of what happens with your work.  

Edited by alaynoboost

Share this post


Link to post

the only meaning i've found in this existence is helping others who are less fortunate be more comfortable in their existence, making things ("art"), and consuming (or appreciating or experiencing or whatever) things ("art"). when i was madly in love i was content just spending my time with my significant other, so i guess the other pillar is just imagining someday i'll find somebody who i am in sync with like that again.

whenever it gets bad i just tell myself: "i can't die until i finish my iphone game. i can't die until after bayonetta 3 comes out. i can't die until i finish watching these movies i want to see. i can't die until i make that short film." etc etc

there's an internet comic i saw awhile back of this guy driving, and he's thinking "i hope i don't crash... the video game i'm looking forward to is coming out soon." and that's basically where i'm at most days.

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)

I'm turning 26 and freaking out a little bit.

I made a record and finished a book this year. That's something. I do not know why I'm not giving myself any credit for that. 

Edited by Hali

Share this post


Link to post

Here it is. It's optigan, shortwave radio, piano, animal noises and a little singing.

Record.zip

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Hali said:

I'm turning 26 and freaking out a little bit.

I made a record and finished a book this year. That's something. I do not know why I'm not giving myself any credit for that. 

I am turning 30 and I like myself more now than when I was 26. Man, I used to get so caught up in the age thing. I thought if I hadn't accomplished certain things by a certain age then there was no point in doing it. Youth was my crutch, and all I wanted to be was exceptional *for my age*. It took me a long time to realize that no one cares about that kind of thing. Beyond the initial, "Oh wow, she did that when she was only 20!", I don't think there's a lot of meaning behind it. I guess if there is meaning, it's that most of us are afraid of dying too soon.

You're doing good!

Share this post


Link to post
13 hours ago, rinv said:

the only meaning i've found in this existence is helping others who are less fortunate be more comfortable in their existence, making things ("art"), and consuming (or appreciating or experiencing or whatever) things ("art"). when i was madly in love i was content just spending my time with my significant other, so i guess the other pillar is just imagining someday i'll find somebody who i am in sync with like that again.

whenever it gets bad i just tell myself: "i can't die until i finish my iphone game. i can't die until after bayonetta 3 comes out. i can't die until i finish watching these movies i want to see. i can't die until i make that short film." etc etc

there's an internet comic i saw awhile back of this guy driving, and he's thinking "i hope i don't crash... the video game i'm looking forward to is coming out soon." and that's basically where i'm at most days.

sometimes when i am despairing the world and all the things in it, and specifically the things in it that inflict pain upon me in a personal way, i say to myself: "well. whatever dude. i'm gonna be dead one day anyway~~~~~" and then i don't feel so bad~~~~~~~~~~ :ahhboo:

Share this post


Link to post

I'm 31. I was pretty overall miserable and feeling like a failure between the ages of 18 and about 28! I used to describe myself as the ghost of myself, the ghost of all the things I had once loved and aspired to be. Most of that was because I felt like the only way I would ever make a good living was if I got famous for making music or something, and I couldn't do very much of that because I was depressed, and I just got caught in a loop of hating myself and what I did because I hadn't become the person I thought I was going to become when I was 17.

But I think that guy, the younger me, was kind of an asshole. He was pretty dumb and had a lot of wrong ideas! I learned a whole bunch of different stuff, and became more helpful to others, more understanding of myself, and more interesting in my ideas. I went to counseling, and learned to keep myself from dwelling too long inside those dark chambers of self-recrimination (mostly, anyway). I embraced the things I like. I learned to reach out to the people I care about instead of worrying so much about myself all the time. I met some neat people who I like collaborating with, and that's been really helpful.

And, unfortunately, I also got a different kind of job that paid a little more money and was a little more interesting, and that made a big difference, too! Like, a horrifying difference. I think I was 100% stressed out for ten years because of making like, $5,000 a year less than I needed to survive comfortably. That feels really stupid, and I hate our stupid country and world for this and so many other, more severe injustices.

I also had to cut my parents out of my life. They were bringing me down all the time and being shitty and convincing me not to do stuff that I was interested in. I spent way too much energy trying to earn their impossible approval, and telling them to fuck off was such a sweet relief!

The biggest difference was probably made by counseling, though. I found a good counselor who helped me find good strategies. I could probably use some medication, too, but she thinks cognitive behavioral therapy was appropriate for me, and it really did make a big difference. I'm able to hear myself getting really negative, and instead of thinking and talking myself in circles for hours or days, I ask myself, "Wait! Whose side am I on?" And then I say, "I'm on my side!" And I try to forgive myself and find a better way of looking at things. It works a lot of the time.

Another big thing for me was learning to ask, "What do I want?" When I went to counseling, on like the 5th weekly appointment, my counselor said, "I'd like to point something out. I don't think I've ever, in all of our conversations so far, heard you say the phrase, 'I want.' You say I need, to I have to, I should. But what do you want?" And I was shocked. I couldn't answer. I was driven by my obligations, perceived or real, and my parents' nagging discouragement. I only did things because I felt like I had to, in big and small ways. Learning to catch myself in a moment of resentment, or of feeling downtrodden, and then to ask, "Well, what do I want to do here?" And being honest with myself, has made a big difference in my overall state of mind. I try to do, to the extent possible, some degree of what I want to do, allowing for what I also have to do.

I thought seriously about killing myself 3 christmas eves ago. Thinking about going to my parents' house for christmas was stressing me out to the point of breaking. I think I got really close. But I thought about the people close to me that I really cared about, and I didn't want to hurt them. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized what I wanted to end was certain circumstances of my life, not my actual life. And I didn't know how to change them immediately, but I knew I had to try. Because I actually like myself, pretty much, kind of! It's just that I didn't feel like I fit into my life. And I realized that I would rather do whatever I could to change the circumstances of my life, for however long that took, in whatever way I could, to be something more like what I wanted. It took a few months to find a new job that helped. I chose to do different things with my time. And everything started to feel different, and better, incrementally, sometimes. And that was enough to keep going.

Share this post


Link to post

One of the things that has helped me keep some of my sanity is dreaming.  When I was a fifteen I developed a phobia and OCD.  I was terrified all of the time and my family had no idea how to help me.  Most of the time they rolled their eyes or made fun of me if I asked them to do or not do certain things.  They were exasperated.  Now, I understand that what I was contending with was the realization that I was utterly alone in the world.  For a while I lived in despair and got psychosomatic symptoms from my phobia.  I felt so utterly exposed and vulnerable.  I pulled out my eyebrows and eyelashes without even realizing that I was doing it.  My Mom eventually broke down and said she wanted to commit me to a hospital, but instead (thanks mom) she found me a therapist.  My therapist had me keep a dream journal and then, during our time together, we would talk about my dreams.  Slowly, she taught me how to dream about the phobia until every night was filled with its symbolism.  After six months, through my dreams, I was able to absorb some grain of truth about the phobia and it went away.  To this day I have a kind of close friendship with my dreams, which I believe guide me.  Sometimes elements from my dreams end up showing up in real life after the fact.  My dreams are not always kind, there are many horrifying people or elements that reoccur.  I do believe, though, that dreaming about them helps keep an eye on them so they can't take over and run the show.

Share this post


Link to post

i haven't sat down and written out anything like y'all have because, :-(, when i really think about it, i don't have a reason to be alive anymore, and whatever i thought i had before was most likely a lie i told myself to keep doing whatever it is i do, which i don't really wanna do any longer lol

Share this post


Link to post
21 minutes ago, starsailor said:

i haven't sat down and written out anything like y'all have because, :-(, when i really think about it, i don't have a reason to be alive anymore, and whatever i thought i had before was most likely a lie i told myself to keep doing whatever it is i do, which i don't really wanna do any longer lol

Wow @soaplitz listed you as their #4 reason to live and you said you don’t even have one reason. #cold

Share this post


Link to post
3 minutes ago, _S_ said:

Wow @soaplitz listed you as their #4 reason to live and you said you don’t even have one reason. #cold

i mean to be fair i omitted everyone in my family and all of my friends and even my cat dante. it's nothing personal

hain't nothin workin no more . . . . and it's terrifying!

Share this post


Link to post
Posted (edited)

hey starpunk [cc: @starsailor]

i was only jokin’

don’t you go thinking i would retort with a mean-spirited comment about you not having a reason to live ! ! 

i used the word “excavate” for crying out loud 

:hmph:x100

Edited by soaplitz
i have bad wifi at work at it didn’t save stuff ok

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×